california dreaming

we've been on the run
driving in the sun
looking out for number one

california is a state of mind. i never watched the o.c. but my sixth grade boyfriend was a skater, a wannabe punk rock emo kid, and i thought he was so cool. he introduced me to the phantom planet song and i never looked back. he broke up with me because he read the outsiders and decided i wasn’t enough of a greaser for him.

it took me a long time to realize how much that song, jack’s mannequin, yellowcard, and other music full of wind and waves and sunshine had shaped my view of the world and the feelings that eventually lead me to california. i didn’t know what it would look like but i knew what it would sound like, feel like.

i sometimes feel the same way about my time in california as i do about my favorite emo music. or music from another era. sam cooke, the beach boys, ella fitzgerald, fall out boy. sunburned, tipsy, sleepy, lazy, sad, slow, saturated memories. in my mind, they shine and they ache.

i don’t know if i’ll find that place again and i know it will look, feel, sound different when i do. but i have read the same books and listened to the same songs so many times since i was a child, and the best ones only get better. they stay the same and they work their way out of and back into my mind in completely new and different ways. california will do the same. i hope i get to feel her sunny shores again soon.